Christmas on Crimson Mountain Page 5

  “Connor is not buying your sister an iPad,” April said quickly.

  Ranie glanced back at Shay. “Nice try, though.”

  They got to the front of the toy shop, and Shay let go of Connor’s hand to press her fingers to the glass. “It’s a winter wonderland,” she said, her tone rapturous.

  It was true. The toy store had one of the best window displays in town. It was a mini version of Santa’s workshop, with elves positioned around a large table filled with wooden trains and boats and stuffed bears and smiling dolls. Above that scene a sleigh pulled by tiny reindeer was suspended from the ceiling and, from one side, Santa Claus watched the whole scene.

  “They have holiday decorations in California,” Ranie muttered.

  “But it seems more Christmasy when it’s cold and snowy,” Shay said, and sighed happily. “Like this is a place Santa Claus would live.”

  Connor cleared his throat. “You know Santa really—”

  Ranie stomped on his foot at the same time April elbowed him.

  “Hey,” he yelled, wincing.

  “What were you going to say about Santa?” Shay asked, turning from the window.

  “I was going to say that Santa lives at the North Pole.” He threw a look to April and then Ranie.

  “Sorry,” April whispered.

  “But,” he continued, focusing on Shay. “I’m sure Crimson is one of his favorite stops on Christmas Eve.”

  She nodded, serious. “So he’ll find us even though we’re not with Mommy or Aunt Tracy?”

  “He’ll find you,” he assured the girl with a small half smile.

  April’s heart pounded in her chest. Connor Pierce wasn’t as dead on the inside as he pretended to be. The way he looked at Shay convinced her his heart wasn’t totally broken. It could be fixed and, because it was her way, she wanted to fix it. To fix him.

  The door to the shop opened, several mothers with a gaggle of small children between them spilling out. There was giggling and happy shouts as the group headed down the sidewalk.

  “Let’s go in,” she said, and held the door. Shay ran through and Ranie followed. April glanced back at Connor. He looked as if he’d seen a ghost. His face had gone pale and the lines bracketing his mouth and eyes were, once again, etched deep.

  “Are you okay?” She turned to call for Ranie and Shay, but they’d disappeared into the crowded store. “Let me find the girls and—”

  “No.” He ran a hand through his dark hair. “I can’t go in there. I saw a sporting-goods store on the next block. I’ll meet you there.” He pulled out his wallet, grabbed a hundred-dollar bill and pressed it into her palm. “Buy them whatever the hell they want to shut them up.”

  She opened her mouth to argue, but he was already striding away.

  “What’s wrong with Connor?”

  Ranie and Shay had returned to the open doorway, staring at April.

  “He needed to...uh...”

  “Get away from us,” Ranie supplied.

  April shook her head and moved into the store. “No, that wasn’t it. We’ll meet up with him in a bit.”

  “But I want him to help me pick out a game,” Shay said. It was the first time April had heard the young girl whine. “I like him.”

  Ranie sniffed. “He doesn’t like—”

  “Then let’s pick out some fun stuff,” April interrupted. “I’m sure he’ll want to see it all.”

  Ranie rolled her eyes again but led Shay toward the wall of board and card games at the side of the store.

  April sighed as she followed them, glancing over her shoulder, hoping to see Connor making his way through the other customers toward her. He wasn’t there. Suddenly, all of her hope and holiday spirit seemed insignificant in the face of his overwhelming grief.

  * * *

  Connor ducked into a narrow walkway between two buildings a few storefronts away from the toy shop. He pressed himself against the cold brick and tried to calm the nausea roiling through him. His legs trembled and his heart raced. He could barely catch his breath from the panic choking him.

  Why the hell had he agreed to leave the cabin? He’d been a hermit for three years and somehow chosen a popular mountain town two weeks before Christmas as his first outing. A trip to a toy store? What a disaster. There was a reason he lived in seclusion. He wasn’t capable of handling anything more. The pounding of his heart was proof of that.

  In just one day, April had made him feel more alive than he had since the accident. Like a deluded moth fixated on a bright flame, he’d been stupid enough to believe that meant he had hope. He’d even relaxed around those two girls, almost as broken as him. But an isolated cabin wasn’t real life. The prickling under his skin had started the moment he got out of the car and only intensified as Shay took his hand and led him along the crowded street.

  The toy store was too much. As soon as he’d heard the children’s laughter, which had sounded so much like Emmett’s, he’d lost it. Emmett would be almost eight years old now. How would he have changed? Would his sweet laugh have deepened or gotten louder? What would be on his Christmas list? Would his son still believe in Santa Claus?

  If Ranie and April hadn’t stopped him, Connor would have told Shay there was no Santa. He really was a demented embodiment of Ebenezer Scrooge if he was cracked enough to ruin an innocent girl’s belief in Christmas magic.

  This was why he was better off alone.

  A cold wind rushed between the buildings and he realized he was nearly shivering, more because of the adrenaline draining out of him than the temperature. But he took a deep breath and made his way to the sporting-goods store, feigning interest in a display of backpacks as he worked to regulate his nerves. A well-meaning salesclerk approached him and then quickly backed away at the look Connor shot him. He was holding it together by too thin a thread to make small talk.

  A touch on his arm a few minutes later had him spinning around. “I don’t need help,” he growled, then stopped as April arched a brow.

  “That’s right,” she said softly. “You’ve got it all under control.”

  “I shouldn’t have come with you today.” He glanced over her shoulder to where Ranie and Shay were standing a few feet away, eyeing him warily. Several stuffed shopping bags sat at their feet.

  “Maybe not,” she agreed, and the fact that she’d already given up on him was an unexpected disappointment.

  “Take me back to the cabin,” he demanded.

  She shook her head. “We’re going to the bakery for hot chocolate and muffins and then ice skating.”

  “I want to go back...” He cleared his throat when several customers glanced their way, and then said in a quieter tone, “I’m the guest.”

  She took a step closer. “You chose to come with us today, and it’s too far to drive you up the mountain and then come back down.” Her smile was so sweet it almost made his teeth ache. “Suck it up, Connor,” she whispered. “These girls deserve some fun and we’re going to give it to them.”

  He glared but her smile only deepened, daring him to defy her. Somehow that challenge calmed his demons. Everyone else he knew coddled him and, while his grief was real, being handled with kid gloves as if he was liable to crumple at any moment only gave more power to the sorrow slowly eating away at him. For whatever reason, April expected more.

  Panic attack be damned, he wanted to give it to her.

  He reached out and lifted a lock of her copper hair, rolling the soft strands between his fingers. A blush colored her cheeks and his body went from ice to fire in the span of an instant.

  Connor didn’t understand what it was about this woman that gentled the pain inside him, but even he wasn’t fool enough to walk away. “Okay.”

  Her lips parted in surprise, and if it wasn’t for Ranie and Shay still watching, he woul
d have claimed them as his. He didn’t like to be touched but craved contact with April like she was a toddler’s well-loved security blanket.

  “Let’s have some damn fun,” he whispered. He grabbed the shopping bags and stalked past the girls back onto the crowded sidewalk.

  * * *

  April pressed her fingers to her forehead as she led her motley crew into the Life is Sweet bakery a few minutes later. Connor was so tense she could almost see it radiating off him like a current. Ranie was back to her normal sulking and even Shay seemed subdued, as if afraid she might set off Connor again and send him running from their little group.

  For whatever reason, the young girl felt a connection with the surly, standoffish man. April couldn’t explain it any more than she could understand her own attraction to him. Shay had taken great care in picking out toys and games, even adding a few she thought Connor might like to play.

  “For when he needs a break,” she’d told April shyly.

  “That’s nice,” April had answered, her throat clogging at the girl’s inherent generosity.

  “When he takes a break, he isn’t going to want to hang out with us,” Ranie had said. “We’re the problem.”

  “We’re not a problem,” Shay had argued. “It’s just like when Mommy needed rest. After she napped, she was always happy to see us.”

  “We’re everyone’s problem,” Ranie had said under her breath, but she hadn’t corrected Shay.

  These three damaged souls were April’s responsibility for the next two weeks, and she didn’t have a clue how to help them. A trip to town had seemed so simple back at the cabin. But Connor was clearly having difficulty with the crush of holiday shoppers, and his black mood was quickly seeping into the rest of them, like sludge coating everything in its path.

  The smell of fresh-baked pastries gave her a bit of hope as the bells over the bakery’s door jingled merrily. As usual, Life is Sweet was filled with customers, drawn by the scent and the promise of the town’s best cup of coffee. The walls were painted a cheery yellow and cheery spruce garland had been strung from the wooden beams across the ceiling. A tree sat in one corner, decorated with strings of popcorn and cookie cutters tied to bright red ribbon. Who could stay bad-tempered in the face of so much cheer?

  Connor Pierce, by the looks of him. He was staring at the other patrons like they were part of the holiday apocalypse and might transform into zombies at any moment.

  “I thought you were working at Cloud Cabin this week.”

  April turned to see Katie Crawford, the bakery’s owner, making her way from the display counter toward them. Katie was a Crimson native and, although she knew almost everyone in town, always had room in her life for another friend. One of the best things about coming to Crimson had been having true friends in addition to Sara.

  “We came down for a little holiday shopping,” April said, stepping forward to hug Katie. “You look amazing.”

  “I feel like a beached whale.” Katie rubbed her round belly and flashed a wry smile. “I’m getting bigger every day. This little guy or girl is kicking all the time.”

  Katie was almost seven months pregnant with her first baby. “I bet Noah loves that,” April answered.

  “He sure does,” Katie agreed. Her husband, Noah, worked for the Forest Service in town. It was a shared joke among their friends that the man who hadn’t taken anything seriously in life for so many years was now an overprotective, earnest father-to-be. “Let me clear off a table for you.” She tilted her head toward Connor and the girls. “I didn’t realize there was a family staying at the cabin.”

  Connor’s expression tightened further at Katie’s suggestion.

  April quickly motioned the girls forward. “These are the daughters of a friend of mine. They’re staying with me over the holidays.” She searched Katie’s face, but her friend seemed to accept the simple explanation. April breathed a little sigh of relief. “Ranie and Shay, this is my friend Katie Crawford. She makes everything you see and smell in the bakery.”

  “Welcome to Crimson,” Katie said with a warm smile that even Ranie returned.

  As April hoped, it was difficult not to be comforted by the atmosphere of Life is Sweet. Connor still stood stone-faced a couple of feet behind them.

  She gave him a pointed look and he moved forward. “This is Connor Pierce, Cloud Cabin’s guest.”

  “Welcome to Crimson,” Katie said, shaking his hand. “I hope your Christmas with us is a merry one.”

  “I’m here to work,” he muttered in response.

  “That’s why Ranie and I have to be quiet,” Shay announced. “We got games to keep us busy so we don’t bug him.”

  April saw color rise to Connor’s cheeks. At least he had the good sense to be embarrassed.

  Katie seemed to take it all in stride. She led them to a table near the window. “Do you want the usual?” she asked April. When April nodded, she turned to the girls. “How about a hot chocolate for each of you?”

  Shay smiled. “With whipped cream and marshmallows?”

  “Of course.” Katie placed her hand on Ranie’s shoulder. “What about something to eat?”

  “I guess a cookie would be good,” Ranie said softly.

  “Perfect.” Katie clapped her hands together. “I have a batch of chocolate-chip cookies about to come out of the oven. Would you two like to see the kitchen?”

  Both girls looked at April.

  “Wash your hands when you’re back there,” she told them.

  Katie’s gaze shifted to Connor. “For you?”

  He looked at his feet. “Nothing.”

  Katie shot April a questioning look but said only, “Let me know if you change your mind.”

  The girls took off their bulky coats, then followed Katie through the heavy swinging door that led to the kitchen.

  As soon as they were out of sight, April rounded on Connor. “This is not sucking it up,” she said on a hiss of breath.

  “I’m here when I don’t want to be,” he answered, sinking into one of the café table’s metal chairs. “Doesn’t that count?”

  April sat next to him. “No.”

  He glanced up at her.

  “I mean it, Connor.” She peeled off her gloves and set them on the tabletop.

  He blew out a breath. “I’m sorry. I really am. I thought I could have a normal afternoon, but there’s nothing normal about me, April. It’s not an accident that I keep to myself. You can see I’m not fit to be around people.” A muscle ticked in his jaw, and he looked so miserable that she felt a stab of sympathy for him.

  “When was the last time you did something social?”

  He gave a harsh laugh. “Does a funeral count?”

  “Oh, Connor.”

  “Don’t feel sorry for me,” he whispered. “Those girls need and want your sympathy. I’m fine the way I am.”

  But he was the opposite of fine, and April hated it. Hated that he had no one in his life to pull him away from his grief, even if he went kicking and screaming.

  What she’d been through was nothing compared to his experience, but she wondered if she would have fallen into a deeper sorrow for what she’d lost if she hadn’t had Sara to look after her. What about Ranie and Shay? Was having each other enough to see them through the pain of their mother’s death?

  All of her frustrations bubbled to the surface before she could rein them in. “I guess I don’t need to feel sorry for you when you do such a bang-up job of it yourself.”

  His gaze crashed into hers. “I don’t feel sorry for myself.”

  She knew she should stop talking but couldn’t seem to keep her mouth shut. “I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, but you hold on to your isolation like it’s a precious gift. Is that what your wife would have wanted for you?”

 
He went absolutely still, and she realized she’d crossed some invisible line. “You know nothing about her,” he whispered, his voice raw.

  “You’re right,” she continued, despite the warning bells going off in her head. “But if she loved you half as much as you loved her, she would have wanted you to be happy. To cherish her memory and your son’s by living, Connor. Not by—”

  “Stop.” He slammed his palm onto the table. “I can’t be happy. I won’t let myself.”

  People from the tables around them stared, but April ignored everything except the man sitting across from her. Pain was etched into every inch of his face. “Why?” she whispered.

  “Because,” he answered, drawing in a ragged breath, “it would mean I’ve let go of Margo and Emmett. I won’t lose them any more than I already have.”

  The honesty in that statement sliced through her. This was Connor, tied to tragedy and holding on to the past even though it kept him from living now. By the time she’d gathered her composure to argue, he’d stood.

  “I don’t want to ruin the girls’ fun this afternoon. They should have a chance to be happy again, and you can help them. But not me, April. There’s no help for me.”

  “That’s not true.”

  He reached down and pressed a finger to her lips. The gentle touch sent a shock wave of longing through her. His skin was warm, so at odds with the ice in his voice. “Enjoy your time here. Take them skating. I’ll meet you back at the car when you’re finished.”

  And he walked away.

  Tears clogged April’s throat and she focused on her breathing as a server brought two hot chocolates and her tea to the table. What if she couldn’t help him? What if he was meant to be locked in that self-imposed prison for the rest of his life? The thought rocked her to her core. She didn’t want the connection she felt to Connor, but she didn’t want to let it go.

  A few minutes later Katie and the girls returned to the table. Ranie and Shay each held a plate with two cookies.

  “Look at all that whipped cream,” Shay cried as she slipped into a seat and then stuck out her tongue to lick off one of the chocolate shavings. “Marshmallows, too. This is the best.”